Dear Boy, It’s not okay.
*Preface: I’m going through some things. This is a letter I would write, if I still wrote letters.*
Dear Boy,
First I need you to know that no matter what this letter might imply, you aren’t going to break me. You aren’t worth any of the tears I’ve cried. You are nothing to me.
With that being said you need to know that NONE of what you did was okay. Bringing yourself back into my life after you hurt me, just to do the same thing all over again… is NOT okay. I specifically made myself clear to you that I didn’t want my time wasted and if you were going to do this, to just let me be and not take me out again.
Asking me five times to do sexual things with you until I have no choice but to give in is not okay. I said no the first four times. I meant no. Pushing me into doing things I didn’t really want to do is NOT okay.
You knew damn well I’ve had guys treat me like shit and use me in the past. It’s NOT okay to do this to me because other men have too.
So sure, I might have given into doing things after you purposely did things to make it seem as if I wanted it. Manipulating my feelings or my hormones is NOT okay.
Taking me out and making me feel safe/comfortable… then proceeding to use me when you insisted that you didn’t want a hookup is NOT okay.
Doing all of this and then telling me you want to be friends is NOT okay.
Disrespecting me is NEVER okay.
I deserve so much better than you. I deserve to be respected, cared about and love. I deserve someone who values me, not walks all over me. It’s YOU who doesn’t deserve me. Not as a friend. Not as a lover. You. Don’t. Deserve. Me.
Hopefully no other girl gets walked all over like you walked all over me. You have some growing up to do before you can consider getting yourself into a relationship. No girl deserves to be treated as less than a person with feelings and thoughts. All you deserve is more time alone, to think about what you’ve done. Not only to me, but to every other girl that you’ve treated like this.
Disdainfully Not Yours,
Sara
Things I did in 2011
- Got a prize from the Santa Claw
- Celebrated my 23rd birthday
- Watched a lot of Buffy (but never finished!)
- Worked at Chipotle
- Saw Driftless Pony Club perform live
- Went to a hockey game
- Broke my first bone (in my foot)
- Rediscovered my addition to Nutrageous bars
- Celebrated my dad’s 55th birthday
- Was fired from a job
- Went strawberry picking (something I hadn’t done since I was a kid)
- Got a second piercing in each of my ears
- Saw Matt and Lauren perform (Again!)
- Got addicted to Terraria
- Met up with an old friend
- Got my heart broken… again.
- Had another filling done
- Saw the last Harry Potter movie at a midnight showing
- Took care of my mom after her surgery
- Got into Pottermore
- Celebrated Esther Day
- Started painting my nails… a lot.
- Worked on the Rocky Hill house
- Lost power from a tropical storm
- Met Avy for the first time
- Broke my freakin’ camera
- Saw Meghan Tonjes perform live
- Got one bad haircut and one really awesome haircut
- Celebrated my mom’s 50th birthday
- Bought an awful halloween costume for a video prop
- Saw it snow in October and we lost power from it
- Had several job interviews
- Went on a date with a guy I really liked… and found out he wasn’t interested
- Started working again at Ganache
- Did some questionable things
- Reconnected with an old friend again after I got over him
- Drank a lot of peach snapple in an attempt to stop drinking soda
- Failed and went back to having soda
- Celebrated Christmas while sick
- Fell asleep before midnight on NYE
- Finally learned to feel good about myself and trust the choices I make
What would life like be without a little crazy?
Hi Guys,
I think it’s weird how I often address these blogs as letters. It’s not like I’m actually writing a letter since I’m not sending it to anyone. Just putting it on the internet. But, internet, you are my friend and I like writing to you. 
Anyways, the past few weeks have been…. weird. I guess. It feels like the rest of my life is going to be an AFTER like in Looking For Alaska. Those big life changing events happen and the rest of your life is spent trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and continue on. Some of you likely know what I mean… in numerous ways, I guess.
There is so much… after…. happening. So much loss in the past several years. So much drastic change is on the brink of happening. I’m not the same person I was even in high school. Sometimes I think back on how I was in HS and I laugh. How did I get from that to this? I mean I do know because I lived it.. but it still doesn’t make sense to me. Life changes you. Slowly, but surely it does. It’s odd to think about, to be honest. If you had asked me even as a senior in high school.. where I thought I would be… I never would have said this. I never would have said this in a million years.
Don’t get me wrong, despite all the loss… I’d never take any of it back. Don’t get me wrong please when I say that. It’s not as if I wish the loss of anyone I have lost…. it’s just…. dealing with everything has made me so much stronger as a person. Losing my grandma hit me harder than I thought it would. Going into her house basically every day… takes its toll. It gets easier and yet harder every time.
However, I’d say that losing Esther was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with…. I never saw it happening. As much as I should have… losing someone so young is hard every single day. Stupid things remind me of her. However, with her loss came…. good? In a way. It brought everyone closer than before…. we smashed together like planets in orbit clinging to each other because none of us knew what to do. Together, we’ve dealt as best we could… and from all the hurt and sadness… came good. We got closer, and we’ve inspired (apparently) a ton of people with just how much we all love each other. And whether anyone realizes it…. it’s Esther’s influence that inspired all the love. She still touches all of us everyday because without her I wouldn’t have nearly as much love in my life as I do now. Haha. I’m making myself cry thinking about it. Sometimes I forget just how lucky I am to have Catitude. I’m sorry if I take you guys for granted too much….. don’t talk as much as I should… or just generally fail at being an internet person. The beautiful thing is that no matter how long I get busy…. I’m always welcomed back with loving arms. I love you guys for that. So much. I never feel as loved (even if you guys tease me endlessly) as when I am in Catitude.
Through this entire time… there has also been other wonderful amazing brilliant lovely people in my life. Yeah, I’m talking about you guys, Gen and Elayna. If you are reading this. You guys have been an amazing force of awesome in my life. Gen, even though sometimes your life is crazy busy… I always love talking to you when we get the chance. You’ve forced me out of my shell in a lot of ways and have always been there to watch out for me in your mothering way. <3 And Elayna, I’m not sure how I would have gotten past the last month(?) without you. Seriously. I’m pretty sure I would have imploded. You have been someone I can turn to when I just need to let everything I have been holding back out. I’ve never felt judged by you and I know I can go to you with (basically) everything. Thank you so much for always being there for me when I frantically meltdown to you because you always seem to know just how to deal with everything. You are seriously magical. <3 I love you guys both so freaking much. Thank you for being my collab partners, partners in crime and just generally two amazing wonderful brilliant people. I’m so lucky to have you guys in my life when I feel like I need to have people to center me and make me remember that things will end up just fine. Also thanks for putting up with just how weird I really am.
Erm…. I’m not sure how this blog just go emo, but…. I went there. haha.
I have such a boatload of amazing people around me and sometimes I forget how lucky I am. Without all of you (YES YOU!) my life would be so much less awesome.
Lately I feel like my life has gotten way more complicated than it used to be, but despite all the drastic crazy changes.. I always have you guys. Thanks for sticking it out with me. I love you all so much. <3 You guys are crazy, but that’s what makes life more fun.
Love,
Sara
Changes and the shit that comes with them.
Hey guys,
So… as seems to be always the case with my life… more things have changed since I last updated this blog. What would life be without a bit of change, right?
Anyways. So as most of you probably already know… about two years ago my grandma passed away. She left her house half to my dad and half to two of my cousins (because their dad, who she was closer too, had passed away previous to her.) My parents ended up buying out the other half from my cousins. Now, in about a year or perhaps sooner, we’re going to be moving into that house.
~A bit of back story about my living situation. I’ve lived in the same house for 23 years. I never moved away to go to college. Sure I’ve traveled a bit, but this is the house I have always called home. There are positives and negatives to us moving, of course. One of the biggest ones I’ve had trouble with… is losing my childhood home. I grew up in this house. So it makes me a little sad. However, moving to this bigger, and therefore likely more valuable house, is in the best interest of our family. The house we live in now is a tiny ranch style house with 4 people and 1 bathroom. Just imagine what that’s like trying to all get ready in the morning. Haha. So while I have mixed feelings about leaving the only house I’ve ever really known… I can see the good in the situation.~
Aside from all of the house drama, I’m still in the middle of looking for a job. I’ve gone for interviews and whatnot, but so far nothing has panned out. It sucks.
But with all the negative comes a little bit of good.
Emotionally, I’ve been feeling loads better lately. I may not always feel perfect or wonderful, but I’m making progress in the right direction. So that feels really good. I’m still going to therapy every 2 weeks and that seems to be helping. A lot of my issues have to do with me just keeping things in for so long and I do it until I literally can’t anymore. So being able to get them out without being judged or told my feelings are stupid or not rational or whatever really helps. It’s nice to have someone impartial to the situation whether I need some kind of advice/help or just someone to listen to me.
Also, I’m not sure what it is with people… but the moment that you seem to be going along normal something has to come along and shake it up. I’ve had this guy friend for about 5 years and just out of the blue I texted him to talk. Then he ended up inviting me over to hang out. It’s always really nice to catch up with him because he’s just one of those people that is so easy to talk to and I don’t feel like I have to (I guess for lack of a better term) hide parts of my personality that aren’t generally socially acceptable. It’s really rare that he’s the one to invite me over or make plans with me somehow, so it was really nice. I hate like trying to make plans with anyone because I always feel like I want to see them more than they wanna see me? I don’t know. That’s my illogical thinking. Anyways, so it was really nice to see him. I think that, perhaps, we’re going to try to go to a local carnival sometime soon. Just have to see when one is for us to go to.. haha.
Anyways, so despite the occasional few bumps things are pretty much somewhat okay for me right now. I could do without the stress of not having a job, but really that’s the only thing not going so well.. which… when it comes down to it… it could be a hell of a lot worse. So I’m counting my blessings.
I hope all of you are doing okay. I know I really need to keep writing on here, but…. I’ve lacked a lot of creativity lately. Hopefully I can recharge that somehow and get back to writing as well as making videos. Because I miss you guys.
Alrighty. I think this is where I end. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I hopefully will write again soon.
<3
Sara
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